Revelation to Move Conference Center to Niagara Falls Soundly Rejected
Deseret News - After delivering a Revelation to Move the Conference Center to the banks of the Niagara Falls, President Monson was forcefully removed from the Executive Office Building of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Thurday morning. Sources told the Deseret News that the leader of the fourteen million member cult was ranting about a March collapse of the Stock Market before guards finally muffled him and carried him away.
An emergency vote was taken and the rampaging elderly man was stripped of "any and all authority to speak for God any more." Church attorneys declined to speculate if the latest 'revelation' will be printed in current editions of the Doctrine and Covenants. "This ranks right up there with polygamy and the United Order in its absurd nature," fumed Dallin Oaks, who asked to be identified. "The United States Dollar is completely safe from hyperinflation."
What irked the Quorum most was the choice of the new location, not the move itself. "When President Monson claimed that the banks of the Niagara would be the only banks left in America after March, he lost my support," another voice chimed in, "The economy is sound. The future is bright. There is no need to stop work, panic and beeline it to the nearest ATM machine."
Ironically, that is exactly what happened after the full draft Revelation was passed out to the Executive Priesthood Board overseeing Probable Panic Hot Spots. The room was as empty as an Obama promise.
"If the Lord had such news for the Saints, He would have gone through the normal channels of bureaucratic communication. He would not have appeared at the bedside of a delirious Prophet." cautioned Brother David A. Bednar. "Just because the church will dump all equity positions next week doesn't mean that the Brethren place any confidence in Brother Monson's so-called heavenly visitation.
Search for a new, more moderate Prophet, Seer and Revelator will begin after the Quorum of the Twelve finish their weekend shopping spree at Sam's Club.
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An emergency vote was taken and the rampaging elderly man was stripped of "any and all authority to speak for God any more." Church attorneys declined to speculate if the latest 'revelation' will be printed in current editions of the Doctrine and Covenants. "This ranks right up there with polygamy and the United Order in its absurd nature," fumed Dallin Oaks, who asked to be identified. "The United States Dollar is completely safe from hyperinflation."
What irked the Quorum most was the choice of the new location, not the move itself. "When President Monson claimed that the banks of the Niagara would be the only banks left in America after March, he lost my support," another voice chimed in, "The economy is sound. The future is bright. There is no need to stop work, panic and beeline it to the nearest ATM machine."
"If the Lord had such news for the Saints, He would have gone through the normal channels of bureaucratic communication. He would not have appeared at the bedside of a delirious Prophet." cautioned Brother David A. Bednar. "Just because the church will dump all equity positions next week doesn't mean that the Brethren place any confidence in Brother Monson's so-called heavenly visitation.
Search for a new, more moderate Prophet, Seer and Revelator will begin after the Quorum of the Twelve finish their weekend shopping spree at Sam's Club.
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