REUTERS - Rumors of financial stress have turned into fact as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced its intention to sell their Main Office Complex, including the Central Plaza and fountains, to an ex-Mormon Power Ball Lottery winner next month. The winner (who wishes to remain anonymous) declined to reveal the negotiated amount but has stated that he intends to demolish the building and donate the scrap to Chinese recyclers, the same firm that received the World Trade Center remains.
"This may come as a shock to some members," Church Spokesman Dan Taylor said, at a quickly called press conference, "but the building had serious multi-level infestation issues including half-truths, innuendo, gossip online gaming and pornography, statistical exaggerations and even outright lies."
POOR PRODUCTIVITY, MORALE
An undercover Wiki Leak assessment of each floor showed that forty-two percent of all activities during weekday work hours were spent doing personal tasks, porn downloads and data mining for various anti-Mormon factions, as well as other religions. Wiki Leak co-founder Julian Assange told reporters in London that the cost of the fountain pumps and lighting required the tithes of 7,350 faithful families each year.
The Church spokesman reminded reporters that the Church would never tolerate such things, nor has it, in the 181-year history of the bureaucratic monolith. "Our doctrines will change and so will our policies, programs and beliefs." He stated that the changing standards of society have always affected church revelations, and that the sale was approved by God. "I can assure you that He is pleased with the decision," Taylor continued, "Just as He was with the Depression Mall across the street."
TABERNACLE NEXT?
The Power Ball winning was the largest in American history and the winner will receive $28 million dollars each year for 20 years. His entourage was seen visiting Temple Square after the contractual papers for the Office Building were signed. Tape measures and clipboards were seen and some measurements were taken before Church Security could usher the men off the grounds. A few startled tourists were told that is was just a film crew doing preliminary technical work for a new church film, "Hyperinflation and the Latter-day Family".
