by Kendra Hoder
(Mr.Giff, though being a former Mission President, is not associated with the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-Day Saints, nor will he ever be again. The church deleted his Missionary mention from their archives to avoid a Civil lawsuit.)
DRUDGE REPORT - Three nights ago I went into surgery for the removal of a cancerous tumor on my right earlobe. I have medical tests to prove this. Every word is true, to the best of my ability. Please listen. And don't edit a single word I say, Miss Hoder. Is that your real name?
HODER: Yes, I got it from my father. He was married to my mother, shortly after my younger sister was born.
PAUL GIFF: I see. Now,
HODER: Mr. Giff, This is not about me. It's about you, and your encounter with God, Tuesday evening.
PAUL GIFF: Yes. Well, twenty-seven specialists, including the most gifted men and women on earth today stood around me, all dressed in white gowns, to try to save my life. I was fully insured, which explains why this all was happening to me. I never asked for it, nor for an appointment with death, God or the slow download that brought me to this post.
ORGANIC CAMERAS
Fourteen minutes later, I was dead. The anesthesiologist had delivered the medication in drip tube to the wrong spine (I was born with two) and I was long gone before anyone knew it. The operation was successful and I felt fine and was ushered into a very large room. Music was playing. It sounded like something like a pleasant blend of Enya and the the Sex Pistols, but before they got too famous.
While seated in the line waiting to meet God, a beautiful angel asked me what I wanted to walk on. "Just water," I said, "with a twist of lime." She snapped her wings and I had it in my hadn, poured it on the glowing floor, and began to walk to the Office of God the Father. At least, that's what the sign read, and this was Heaven, I was pretty sure by the smell.
You see, I spent my military stretch mainly in Manila and Cebu. We learn a lot of new smells there. It comes with the terratory. I was teaching English as a Second Language, so I didn't really feel comfortable. I wanted to teach my native French, but no students showed up for the class and I was stuck on Second. Then the next batter struck out. Serving as Bishop in the Tacloban 2nd Ward was thrilling, due to the Beehive class. Such beautiful daughters of God.
PREMORTAL EXISTENCE
Before I was born, I kicked my mother in the teeth. She tried to abort me for that one small mistake, but then had seven other children after me, so I think she forgot. During gestation, God tests the fetus for proper nerve endings in their lower extremities every now and then, usually just after the mother drinks a stiff one.
Anyway, as I was saying, my grandson is out of his mind. He has no attention span. His thoughts bounce from Nauvoo and a still-smoking press...to being a volunteer guard at the San Francisco Suicide Bridge Prevention Center. In less than 3 seconds, he'll want to ask you about Peter Schiff, then the origin of Satan's Bikini Shop, then his mind begins percolating under an ancient fossil relic, placed there by an atheist named Dysung or whatever. He makes conversation with strangers but hates the weather.
One day he tried to shoplift a free sample of Pert shampoo, and was admitted into a Psychiatric Unit for rubbing with it on the way out of the store. It was raining when he came out; the Sundowner's President nearly killed him. Bubbles didn't look good on his new leather pants. At the Hospital, while being held for 21-day observation, he demanded to speak with President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky together. But that's beside the point. Hillary wouldn't allow such a thing, for the two had just barely met, and had no control over their passions at that point.
He is crazy. He got most of his genes from my wife, and though she admits being the mother, she didn't really raise him. I was forced to have an affair with the maid, but good came of it, as we were later married for 4 weeks. During that time, I met my 8th wife, a Mormon girl who purposely sang out of tune. She is a member of the Tabernacle Choir, and was having an affair with Spence Kinard, unbeknownst to his secretary.
Cleveland lies at the edge of a rainbow after most rains, but it doesn't happen often. Militant queers have pushed hard for fewer wetlands and the result is nothing but dessert, with whipped cream after hot sax.
That's enough for now. In the next installment, I'll park my mind and tell you about God. What He's wearing, how He smells, the tone of His voice and His answers to my many questions. As a teaser, go check your email. I just sent you some spam, when you weren't looking.
God is pretty pissed of at us right now. Jesus held him down, pleading about some kind of forgiveness, but I don't know how much longer He can pin Him down.
For some strange reason, God the Father gets upset over the smallest things.
- to be continued -
